My Toxic Marriage Became My Greatest Teacher

You're probably wondering how anyone could be grateful for experiencing a horrible marriage and still have no resentments. But let me share my story.

I dated someone who I thought was my best friend. I thought I had asked enough questions, but only later realized, they weren't the right ones. After all, I had no training and wasn't mentored in knowing my rights within marriage.

Don't get me wrong—I had the two very best, loving parents in the world, and I have always been grateful for having a great childhood anyone could ever wish for. But one thing no one seems to tell you is how to prepare for marriage. I mean what works for others (or past generations) doesn't really apply today anymore. My parents knew exactly what roles they were taking on. They talked openly about money coming in and money going out. They created goals together and saved CASH for what they wanted or needed in life. They came to North America with $200 and built a life of purpose. They were very involved in their community and donated their time and money, even when it was scarce. They worked together through everything, and even when times were tough, they held onto their faith and managed to rise above and even exceed their expectations.

My parents were a team. They didn't pamper us or baby us; they told us the truth, and we had to deal with that. This has been one of the best gifts my parents taught me because, to this day, I deal with the honest truth much better than having someone sugarcoat it or lie to me.

Although I was quite a dreamer when I was young, I was quickly taught to embrace reality and forget the dreams I had for myself. I never had a sit-down with my parents to talk about what marriage was all about; it was more about hurrying up to find someone before I got too old. In fact, I was one of the last of my girlfriends to get married in my group.

I was lots of fun to be around. I loved my life, my career, and my family and friends. But somehow, I lost myself within the marriage. We'll get into that more later.

I had a lot of love to give, and I gave life all the best of me. So despite everything that happened, I can always hold onto being that person who always saw the cup as half full and who put on a brave smile in public, even when things were crashing behind the scenes.

Like I said, I thought I was marrying my best friend. We laughed together, explored the world together, and talked about everything that fascinated us. Yet, it all abruptly crashed the day after the wedding. Yes, you heard right, the day after. And funny enough, it's something I hear a lot of couples talk openly about today.

Mistake #1 - Not Learning About Mental Health Conditions or Manipulative Behaviors

For example, here is a textbook description of a narcissist:

- Grandiosity: An unrealistic sense of superiority

- Entitlement: A belief that they deserve special treatment and privileges

- Lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding or valuing others' feelings

- Need for admiration: Constantly seeking praise and recognition

- Exploitative: Using others for personal gain

- Hypersensitivity to criticism: Reacting negatively to criticism or perceived slights

- Exaggerating achievements: Inflating one's own accomplishments to gain praise

- Taking credit for others' work: Deliberately taking credit for someone else's work

Did you know that according to current statistics, in a room of 20 people, around four people could be expected to have a diagnosable mental disorder? That's roughly 1 in 5 adults who are likely to experience a mental illness. I genuinely believe that anyone who starts dating should be armed with a rounded knowledge of all the different types of mental instabilities so they don't get pulled down the rabbit hole of a methodically calculated partner.

You see, the worst thing I did, was not be aware that some people can be manipulative and these tactics can be spotted if you know what you are looking for. I was generally very accepting of people and what you call now "Love Bombing" was a concept I would have never imagined existed. I fell for it all: hook, line and sinker. It also didn't help that I had low self esteem. I figured this one out when I remembered saying: "How is it possible that I can deserve someone as wonderful as this". If you ever catch yourself saying these words, just know that you belittling yourself by saying that you don't deserve a good partner. Words are powerful, be careful how you use them. 

If you are running on lower self-esteem here is something that will help you a lot. And if there is anything I hope you take from this blog, I hope it's this. Before dating or before getting married, FIRST do a Self-Assessment so you can be clear about defining your strengths, weaknesses, wants, desires, dreams and goals. You'll be surprised at how powerful these exercises can help you be proud of your accomplishments, help you work on the things you still haven't gotten right, get excited about your future and really know deep down what you want out of life.

You deserve to be happy. So what does that mean to you?

For me, I thought that as long as my partner would love me, everything else would be a bonus. Well, that didn't last long. You would think that at least your honeymoon would be filled with intimacy—but it was the complete opposite, and that was a hard pill for me to swallow. The red flags were starting to scream at me all at once, and I was so confused.

Then came the lack of desire to spend time with me and the criticizing and comparing me to others. I'd never been around dysfunctional people before, so of course I was confused and wondered if I had done something wrong. I doubted myself A LOT.

Mistake #2 - Not Defining Our Roles, Equality, and Responsibilities

The scales can quickly tip to one side without planning the management side of life. Groceries, cooking, laundry, errands, cleaning, and a ton of other responsibilities need a proper "Agreement of Distribution" between both partners. As soon as one partner assumes too many roles or responsibilities, the faster the frustrations build, morale declines, and resentment grows. The goal is to find a way to manage the daily responsibilities in a way that gives you both more time to spend together, building a stronger connection, and to also give you the time to fuel your passions.

It didn't take long until I realized that I had to take on all the household responsibilities (even with a full-time job). My partner constantly reminded me that his job was way more important than mine and that he shouldn't be expected to help at home because he was bringing in more money than me (at the time). Well I believed him, even though I was making a pretty good salary. I mean I watched my mom do everything and to me it just seemed normal that I should do the same. But when the career demanded more of my time and then the children came, there was no going back to redistribute our chore list. I was stuck in a loop that I created and I didn't know how to get out.

Mistake #3 - Trusting My Partner Blindly with Finances

In marriage, both partners come as equals, no matter who brings in more money or even none at all. Both partners need to be on top of every financial decision and transaction so that if one of you should fall sick, the other will be able to pick up and manage the financial responsibilities effortlessly. There are no financial geniuses here. Learn together about how to grow your empire.

I must admit,I was too quick to trust others. And let's get real here—trust deserves consistent transparency and action, which back then, I did not realize. I blatantly trusted him because he was my husband. It makes me ill to look back at how naive I was. He was good with his words, and repeatedly reminded me how difficult it was to manage the financial planning and paying all the bills, So, I believed him, and that made me feel more and more inferior. I really wanted to learn about our financial setup, but every time he set me up to fail, by explaining things in a very complicated manner. I knew I was doomed and just gave in with fingers crossed. Another defining moment came when he erupted in anger after I opened my own personal savings account. That's when I knew everything was heading south really fast. When we separated, I had no idea how I was going to manage my personal finances while raising 3 kids on my own, but you know what, it wasn't hard at all. In fact, it was so simple that I thought I was doing it all wrong. So don't let anyone tell you that you are not capable. I'm here to tell you you are!

Mistake #4 - Not Considering Parenting Compatibility

Children need both their parents to nurture them into adulthood. It's not about bottles and diapers, it's about teaching them to manage their emotions, opening their mind to new ideas, teaching them to be respectful and caring, teaching them responsibilities, nurturing their self-esteem, teaching them how to make their own good decisions, showing them how to resolve disputes, making them feel safe to come to you about anything, teach them skills that they can use to make their lives easier, showing them what love really looks like, teach them about acountability, help them become critical thinkers, showing them the value of respect and to encourage and support them though thick and thin.

My parents may not have coddled us, but they were both always present in my life. I didn't understand how important it was to pick a partner who would have been a great dad to my children; I just thought that would come naturally. I have always wanted children, and being a mom came naturally to me. So without much thought, I didn't really expect my partner to help with many of the things that came with raising kids. But his lack of making time or willingness to spend time with them made me work that much harder to do everything I could to make them feel safe, loved, heard, and seen. It was very important to me that they felt happy and lived a normal life, just like every child deserves. Because of this, I battled exhaustion every day for 10 years, and looking back now, I don't even know how I survived it. The children ended up living with me after the divorce. It was an easy transition because life wasn't all that different for them. But, I've apologized many times to my children for making that mistake. It's one of my biggest regrets.

Mistake #5 - Not Being Able to Express My Love Languages

Sexual intimacy has many layers of emotional needs. Understanding your intimate needs, usually stems from your past experiences. Just in case you don't know what the five Love Languages are: Words of affirmation, Quality time, Physical touch, Acts of service, or Receiving gifts. Get to know your love language(s) and express them to each other in detail and with examples of exactly what that looks like to you. Knowing how to love your partner in the way that they need to receive love, is one of the most gratifying experiences that will help you grow your love and bond you together. But you both need to be consistently conscious about expressing your love for each other and be creative in evolving the creativity of your affection. Don't give each other a reason to look elsewhere to have your needs fulfilled.

To me, intimacy has not only about enjoying the sexual connection, it was more about experiencing the sensual experience. It was a connection of the souls. I love everything about flirting, creating anticipation with foreplay, or even setting the mood for an exciting night. Unfortunately, that wasn't reciprocated. Back then, the concept of love languages didn't exist. So I was not able to express my emotional needs, because let's face it, back then most men learned about sex from porn. And how could I compete with that? When you get married you're committing to spending a lifetime with one person. So you better be open to expanding your horizons and try new experiences that will keep you connected. Whether it be using your 5 senses or taking a Tantra Course, get involved in expanding your sexual love life. Keep it interesting, respect your boundaries and just have fun with each other.

Mistake #6 - Not Knowing That I Could Set Healthy Boundaries

This is one of the deepest and most important conversations you need to have together. Please don't skip this one. Listen to your gut. Let your morals and values guide you. This is not about pointing fingers. It's about defining your deal-breakers—the behaviors that hurt you so much that you'd need to step away from the relationship or situation to protect yourself. It's not just limited to your partner's actions; it can also include boudaries in your careers, your faith and to the people around you.

Today, more people are coming to terms with the fact that having healthy boundaries is not just important—it's a MUST. I never would have dared to imagine such a thing back then. It could have not only saved our marriage, but it would have given me the WORTH I lacked in myself. Sitting down together to clearly agree on what crosses the line is a game changer. But it also comes with defining the consequences of what you're willing to do if that line is crossed. And that's where the fear of setting boundaries starts—from not knowing how strong you are to hold up your end of the deal. Getting married, means being ready to go all in 100% and the only way to do this is to define your limits. Your partner will never know when they are crossing the line if you don't define it. This needs to be done right at the start, before life gets complicated.

 Mistake #7 - Not Understanding What I Needed from My Marriage

If your emotional needs are not met, your marriage will rot. The worst thing you can do is not sit down together and talk about your emotional expectations. It's not selfish to have needs, like needing to feel appreciated, acknowledged, and valued. Don't follow someone else's template of marriage. Create your own fantastic visions of what you want to accomplish together. Give meaning to this project of marriage. Live the life that has meaning to both of you. Marriage isn't an end goal; it's a beginning to a creation that will define your legacy.

I think if you would have asked me back then, what I expected from my marriage, I would have probably said: kids, some travel, a house and to be happy. Since then, I’ve thought long and hard about how it all went wrong and now I now have a new list of needs:

1. I need to feel trust. Not just about my partner being trustworthy but also for them to trust my judgment.
2. I need to feel respected (because I know it’s the highest form of love). I want my partner to be proud of who I am and I need to feel the same way about them.
3. I need to be loved in a deep and caring way. I want a magnetic connection where we use our 5 senses and where we continuously discover one another 
4. I need to keep evolving and have my own time to work on my passions but I also want to create a strong purpose with my partner 
5. I need to be able to talk to my partner about anything and feel like we can solve any issue that comes our way
6. I need to feel aligned with my partner when we plan our goals and lifestyle
7. I need to be seen, heard and feel appreciated
8. I need to feel that we have financial stability and transparency
9. I need to have quality time with my partner and connect with no distractions
10. I need to have joy in my life daily without it being an effort
11. I need to have a healthy lifestyle with good food choices, and activities

In the end, I don't regret any of it.

In fact, I believe that my husband was sent to teach me a lesson about life. He tested every inch of my well-being and self-worth. Because I had to do almost everything alone most of the time, I learned so many skills that would later help me in life. Not just physical skills like: painting, lawn care, repairs, running a business and so much more. I also learned to love myself again. I learned how important it was to not lose myself in a relationship and to find that happy little girl I used to be. I learned how important it was to always give it my best even with no support. I learned how much fun it was to learn new things I had never done before and prove to myself, that I could do just about anything. I learned that living with a smile every day was the best thing I could do to maximize my energy and send good vibrations to all those around me. I learned that I deserve a good life. I learned that life is short and that I should have goals to experience the best life has to offer. I learned how not to be afraid and that I am resilient. I learned that no one will ever determine my worth ever again. I learned to trust my gut and my ability to make good decisions. I learned about all the things that can ruin a marriage and how to carefully pick my next partner that will fit with my visions not just theirs.

I will always be a hopeless romantic who embraces the idea of marriage. ANd I've had the good fortune to be surrounded by many thriving, joyful, and successfully married couples who have shown me what real love looks like. Yes it does exist.

I was married for 20 years. Maybe I'm a slow learner, but the knowledge I've gained has set me up for a fantastic and hopeful future.

My name is Dania and through all my pains, gains, and many other experiences not mentioned here, I've been blessed to find my mission in life.

I truly believe that Marital Preparation is the only way to start your marriage off on the right foot.

Not sure where to start? 

At The Marriage Degree, we ask the questions most of you might hesitate to bring up. Mastering Matrimony is one of the most comprehensive Marital Preparation Program that Leaves Nothing Out.

We understand that navigating sensitive conversations about your future can feel overwhelming. That's why we've created an approach that leaves no stones unturned, empowering you to address everything. It's not about figuring out if your partner is right for you. It's about making good decisions that will make your lives function stronger together. It's about making plans for the future and holding yourselves accountable to each other. It's about defining what your really committing to each other.

Our mission isn't to fit your marriage into someone else's template. Instead, we help you become aware of what it takes to be properly prepared for marriage, and help you envision, design, and build the exact partnership you've always dreamed of. We want to help you become the architects of your lives, by providing the tools you need to create a life that's authentically yours.

Let us be your guide on this incredible journey towards happiness.

Click on the link below