Before saying I Do - What Every Couple Should Know

As someone who works with engaged and newly married couples, I wanted to have a heart-to-heart conversation about something really important: choosing your life partner wisely and protecting yourself in this complicated world.

Let's start with some sobering statistics that recently caught my attention: roughly 1% of adults are estimated to be Psychopaths, 3% are Sociopaths, and 6% exhibit traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That's a total of 10% of adults who fall into these concerning categories. To put this in perspective - in your average coffee shop with 30 people, statistically speaking, three of them might have one of these personality disorders. One might be a Sociopath or Psychopath, and two might be Narcissists. Pretty eye-opening, right?

Trust Your Gut, But Verify

One of the biggest patterns I've noticed in my work with couples is how often someone says, "I had a feeling something was off, but I ignored it." Here's the thing: those initial butterflies and excitement of a new relationship can sometimes mask red flags we should be paying attention to.

Take my client (let’s call her) Sarah. She met someone who seemed perfect - always said the right things, made grand gestures, and appeared to be everything she wanted. But when she had to reschedule dates due to work emergencies, her partners reactions were disproportionately angry. What initially looked like "an act of passion" was actually a sign of controlling behavior.

One of thel tools I share with my clients is:

1. Time: Don't rush into serious commitment. If someone's pushing for quick decisions about moving in together or marriage, that's a red flag.
2. Distance: Maintain healthy space in your relationship. Someone who genuinely cares about you will respect your need for time with friends, family, and yourself.
3. Change: Pay attention to how they handle changes in plans. Try rescheduling a date or suggesting a different restaurant. A secure person will handle changes gracefully; someone with controlling tendencies often won't.

Pre-Marriage Warning Signs You Shouldn't Ignore

Let's talk about some serious red flags that often pop up during engagement - and why you shouldn't brush them off as "wedding stress."

1. The Financial Fog

Watch out for:

- Reluctance to discuss wedding expenses openly

- Hidden debts emerging during planning

- Extreme reactions to budget discussions

- Insisting on separate finances without clear reasoning

- Making major financial decisions without consulting you

Real Talk: Money conversations aren't just about the wedding - they're previews of how you'll handle finances in marriage. If your partner gets defensive or evasive about money now, it won't magically improve after saying "I do."

2. The Parent Trap

Pay attention if:

- Your partner consistently sides with their parents over you

- They can't set boundaries with family members

- They share private relationship details with parents

- They let parents make decisions about your wedding

- They expect you to conform to their family's traditions without discussion

Reality Check: How your partner handles family dynamics during wedding planning is a preview of your entire married life. If they can't prioritize you now, marriage won't automatically change this.

3. The Engagement Retreat

Be concerned when:

- They show zero interest in wedding planning

- They dismiss your ideas and concerns as "bridezilla behavior"

- They're suddenly "too busy" for relationship time

- They make major life decisions without consulting you

- They start spending more time alone or with friends, excluding you

Truth Bomb: Wedding planning should be a team effort. If your partner's checking out now, they might be showing you their true commitment level.

Prevention Guide to "They Changed After Marriage"

Here's the thing - people rarely "completely change" after marriage. Usually, the signs were there all along, but we either missed them or chose to ignore them. Here's how to prevent post-marriage surprises:

1. The Reality Check List

Before marriage, honestly evaluate:

- How does your partner handle stress? (Wedding planning is a perfect test)

- How do they treat service providers? (Vendors, waiters, etc.)

- What happens when you disagree?

- How do they handle money discussions?

- What's their relationship with their family like?

- How do they treat your family?

2. The Pressure Test

Create situations that reveal true colors:

- Travel together (especially somewhere challenging)

- Handle a crisis together (car breakdown, family emergency)

- Make financial decisions together

- Spend time with each other's families

3. The Communication Deep Dive

Before marriage, have explicit discussions about:

- Financial goals and habits

- Family boundaries

- Career aspirations

- Children and parenting styles

- Religious/spiritual beliefs

- Long-term life goals

- Sex and intimacy expectations

Pre-Marriage Red Flag Response Guide

If you're seeing concerning signs during your engagement, try this:

1. Document Everything

- Keep a journal of incidents and patterns - It provides a reality check when emotions are running high

- Save relevant texts or emails - Our memories can be selective

- Note dates and specific behaviors - Patterns become clearer when written down

2. Trust Your Gut

- If something feels off, it probably is - face it head on

- Don't let anyone dismiss your concerns

- Remember that "cold feet" and legitimate concerns are quite different

3. Take Action

- Take a good Marital Preparation Program that will discuss all topics in marriage

- Have direct conversations about your concerns

- Set clear boundaries and observe how they're respected

- Be willing to postpone or cancel if serious issues aren't resolved

4. The Partner Test

Ask yourself:

- Does my partner take responsibility for their actions?

- Can they have difficult conversations without becoming defensive?

- Do they respect my boundaries?

- Are they willing to work on issues together?

- Do they show empathy when I'm hurt or concerned?

Teaching Our Youth

This isn't just for adults in serious relationships - it's crucial information for teenagers and young adults just entering the dating world. I often tell parents that teaching kids about healthy relationships is just as important as teaching them about academic subjects.

Some key lessons for young people:

• If someone seems too perfect at first, proceed with caution
• Being treated badly is never justified by how much someone claims to love you
• A healthy relationship includes mutual respect for boundaries
• It's okay (and important) to take things slow

Red Flags to Watch For

The Early Warning Signs

1. They rush relationship milestones
2. They can't handle your needs
3. They have different rules for themselves versus you
4. They make you question your own judgment
5. They're charming to others but different behind closed doors

Remember, an engagement ring isn't a chain.

it's okay to pause or step back if things don't feel right. Many of my clients have shared that they saw clear warning signs during their engagement but felt pressured to proceed because:

- "Everything was already planned"

- "People had already booked flights"

- "I didn't want to disappoint everyone"

- "I thought things would get better after the wedding"

Here's the truth: The cost of canceling a wedding is far less than the cost of a divorce - both financially and emotionally. You deserve a partner who shows up for you consistently, treats you with respect, and makes you feel secure in your relationship.

If you're reading this and recognizing concerning patterns in your current relationship, reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals. Sometimes an outside perspective can help you see things more clearly. You're not alone, and it's never too late to protect yourself.

Stay strong, trust your instincts, and remember - Love Shouldn't Hurt or Make You Doubt Yourself.

Not sure where to start? 

At The Marriage Degree, we ask the tough questions you might hesitate to bring up. We understand that navigating sensitive conversations about your future marriage can feel overwhelming. That's why we've created a comprehensive approach that leaves no stone unturned, empowering you to address everything.

Our mission isn't to fit your marriage into someone else's template. Instead, we help you envision, design, and build the unique partnership you've always dreamed of. Think of us as your marriage architects – we provide the blueprint and tools, while you create a life that's authentically yours.

“Mastering Matrimony” Leaves Nothing Out because Great Marriages doesn't just happen – They Are Created. 

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