In an age where we meticulously plan our careers, vacations, and even our meals, it's startling to realize how little thought many couples give to planning their marriages. Yet, research consistently shows that couples who engage in premarital preparation are 30% less likely to divorce and report higher marital satisfaction. This stark reality begs the question: Are we approaching marriage with the seriousness it deserves?

The Changing Face of Marriage

Today's marriages bear little resemblance to those of previous generations. Consider these statistics:

- The average age of first marriage has increased to 28 for women and 30 for men, up from 20 and 23 respectively in 1960.

- 40% of marriages include at least one partner who has been married before.

- Same-sex marriages now account for 1 in 10 marriages in states where it's been legal the longest.

These changes reflect a broader shift in societal values and expectations. Marriage is no longer a prerequisite for adulthood but a choice made by two individuals with established identities and often, established careers.

The High Stakes of Modern Marriage

With these changes come new challenges:

1. Financial Complexity: 78% of couples cite money as the top source of stress in their relationship. With dual incomes, student debts, and complex investment portfolios, financial planning is more crucial than ever.
2. Career Balancing: 66% of married couples are dual-income. Navigating two careers while maintaining a strong partnership requires intentional planning and communication.
3. Changing Gender Roles: Traditional roles no longer apply. Couples must negotiate everything from household chores to childcare responsibilities.
4. High Expectations: We expect our partners to be romantic lovers, best friends, intellectual equals, and stellar co-parents. These high expectations, if not managed, can lead to disappointment.

The Seven Pillars of Comprehensive Marriage Planning

1. The Case for Comprehensive Marriage Planning 

Values are the bedrock of any lasting relationship. They shape our decisions, guide our behaviors, and influence our life goals. Yet, many couples overlook the critical step of explicitly discussing and aligning their core values.

Research by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman shows that couples with shared values report higher levels of marital satisfaction and are more likely to weather life's challenges together. But what does "shared values" really mean?

It's not about agreeing on everything. Rather, it's about understanding each other's fundamental beliefs and finding common ground. This process involves deep, honest conversations about topics such as:

- Religious and spiritual beliefs: How important is faith in your lives? Will you practice a religion together? How will you handle differences in beliefs?

- Political views: While you don't need to agree on every political issue, it's important to respect each other's views and find shared ethical ground.

- Life goals and priorities: What does success look like to each of you? How do you envision spending your time and resources?

- Family dynamics: What role will extended family play in your lives? How do you define family loyalty?

- Social issues: What causes are important to you? How do you view your role in the community?

Remember, the goal isn't to change each other's values, but to understand, respect, and find ways to honor both sets of values within your relationship. We Need to Rethink How We Start Marriage.

2. Financial Planning

Money is often cited as the leading cause of stress in relationships. A study by TD Bank found that couples who regularly talk about money are happier in their relationships than those who discuss finances less frequently. Yet, many couples avoid these crucial conversations.

Comprehensive financial planning for marriage should include:

- Full financial disclosure: Be transparent about assets, debts, credit scores, and financial obligations.

- Budgeting: Create a joint budget that reflects your shared values and goals. Will you merge finances completely, keep them separate, or use a hybrid approach?

- Debt management: If either partner has debt, develop a strategy to pay it off. Decide how you'll handle future debt as a couple.

- Saving and investing: Set short-term and long-term financial goals. This might include saving for a house, planning for retirement, or building an emergency fund.

- Insurance planning: Discuss health insurance, life insurance, and other policies to ensure you're adequately protected.

- Estate planning: While it may seem premature, it's important to discuss wills, trusts, and power of attorney early in your marriage.

Consider working with a financial planner who specializes in helping couples. They can provide objective advice and help mediate financial disagreements.

Remember, financial planning isn't a one-time event. Schedule regular "money dates" to review your financial health and adjust your plans as needed.

3. Career Mapping

In today's world, where dual-career couples are the norm, aligning individual career aspirations with relationship goals is crucial. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that couples who support each other's career goals report higher levels of marital satisfaction.

Career mapping as a couple involves:

- Sharing individual career goals: Where do you each see your careers in 5, 10, 20 years?

- Discussing education plans: Will either of you pursue further education? How will you manage the time and financial commitments?

- Addressing potential relocations: How will you handle job opportunities that require moving? Are there locations where you're unwilling to live?

- Planning for career changes: How will you support each other through potential career transitions or layoffs?

- Balancing career and family: If you plan to have children, how will you manage childcare and career responsibilities?

- Defining success: What does career success look like for each of you? How does this align with your shared vision of success as a couple?

Create a joint career vision board or document that outlines your individual and shared career goals. Revisit this regularly, especially before making major career decisions.

Remember, careers evolve, and so should your plans. Be prepared to adapt and support each other through various career stages and changes.

4. Conflict Resolution Strategies

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but it's how couples handle disagreements that determines the health of their marriage. Dr. Gottman's research shows that the way couples argue is 93% predictive of whether they'll divorce.

Effective conflict resolution involves:

- Active listening: Focus on understanding your partner's perspective, not just formulating your response.

- Using "I" statements: Express your feelings without blaming or criticizing. For example, "I feel hurt when..." instead of "You always..."

- Avoiding the "Four Horsemen": Gottman identifies criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling as particularly destructive communication patterns.

- Taking breaks: Learn to recognize when you're too emotionally charged to continue a productive discussion. Agree on a signal to pause and reconvene when calmer.

- Focusing on the issue, not the person: Attack the problem, not each other.

- Compromise: Aim for solutions where both partners feel heard and respected, even if neither gets exactly what they want.

- Repair attempts: Learn to de-escalate conflicts with humor, affection, or apologies.

Practice these skills regularly, not just during conflicts. Role-play scenarios to build your conflict resolution muscles. Remember, the goal isn't to avoid all conflict, but to handle disagreements in a way that strengthens your bond. This isn't an easy process. Check out this simple yet life changing way to start these discussions HERE.

5. Intimacy Expectations

Intimacy, both physical and emotional, is a bedrock of marriage. Yet, mismatched expectations around intimacy can lead to significant strain. A study in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy found that couples who openly discuss their sexual expectations outside the bedroom, report higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction.

When discussing intimacy, consider:

- Physical intimacy: How often do you each desire sexual intimacy? What are your preferences and boundaries?

- Emotional intimacy: How do you each express and receive love? (Consider taking the Love Languages quiz together)

- Affection: What level of physical affection do you expect outside of sexual activity?

- Communication: How comfortable are you discussing sex and intimacy? How will you address changes in desire or sexual health issues?

- Fidelity: What constitutes cheating in your relationship? Are you both on the same page about monogamy?

- Intimacy barriers: Discuss any past traumas, health issues, or concerns that might affect intimacy.

Create a safe, judgment-free space to have these conversations. Remember that intimacy needs can change over time due to stress, health issues, or life changes. Regular check-ins about your intimacy expectations can help maintain a satisfying connection.

6. Family Planning

Family planning goes beyond deciding whether to have children. It involves a comprehensive discussion about your vision for family life. Research shows that couples who have detailed discussions about family planning before marriage report smoother transitions to parenthood and higher marital satisfaction.

Consider these aspects:

- Children: Do you want children? If so, WHY, how many and when?

- Parenting philosophy: What values do you want to instill in your children? How do you envision discipline, education, and family traditions?

- Childcare: Will one parent stay home? Will you use daycare or family members for childcare?

- Fertility: Discuss any known fertility issues and your openness to alternatives like adoption or IVF if needed.

- Work-life balance: How will you balance career and family responsibilities?

- Financial planning for children: Consider the costs of raising children, including education savings.

- Extended family: What role will grandparents and other relatives play in your children's lives?

It's also crucial to discuss the commitment involved in parenting. Talk about how having children might impact your relationship, careers, and personal goals.

If you decide not to have children, discuss how you'll navigate societal expectations and pressures.

Remember, family planning decisions can change over time. Regular conversations about your family vision can help you stay aligned as you grow together.

7. Support System

No couple is an island. You need a community. Building a strong support system is crucial for navigating the challenges of married life. Research shows that couples with strong social support networks report higher marital satisfaction and are more resilient in the face of stress.

Your support system might include:

- Mentors: Identify older couples whose relationships you admire. They can provide valuable insights and perspective.

- Friends: Maintain individual friendships and cultivate couple friends who support your relationship.

- Family: Discuss how to balance family relationships and set healthy boundaries with in-laws.

- Professional support: Consider premarital counseling and be open to couples therapy when needed. Many successful couples use therapy as a tool for growth, not just crisis management.

- Community: Engage in community activities or religious organizations that align with your values and provide a sense of belonging.

- Online resources: Explore relationship blogs, podcasts, or online communities for ongoing education and support.

Remember, seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness. A robust support system can provide perspective, advice, and encouragement throughout your marriage journey.

Remember, creating a marital plan is an ongoing process. Regularly revisiting these topics can help you stay connected and help you navigate life's changes together.

As you read this, you might be thinking,

"This sounds like a lot of work." 

And you're right. 

But consider this: You wouldn't start a business without a business plan. You wouldn't run a marathon without training. WHY would you enter a lifelong commitment without thorough preparation?

The divorce rate for first marriages hovers around 52%. For second marriages, it climbs to 60%. These statistics aren't meant to discourage, but to emphasize the importance of intentional marriage planning.

Ask yourself:

• Have we discussed our expectations for marriage openly and honestly?
• Do we have a plan for navigating potential challenges?
• Are we equipped with the communication tools necessary for a lifetime partnership?

If you answered "no" to any of these questions, it's time to start planning. Remember, a strong marriage doesn't just happen. It's carefully crafted through intentional effort, open communication, and continual growth.

The future of your marriage is in your hands. Will you leave it to chance, or will you take control and design the partnership you truly desire? The choice - and the responsibility - is yours.

Not sure where to start? 

At The Marriage Degree, we ask the questions most of you might hesitate to bring up. Mastering Matrimony is one of the most comprehensive Marital Preparation Program that Leaves Nothing Out.

We understand that navigating sensitive conversations about your future can feel overwhelming. That's why we've created an approach that leaves no stones unturned, empowering you to address everything. It's not about figuring out if your partner is right for you. It's about making good decisions that will make your lives function stronger together. It's about making plans for the future and holding yourselves accountable to each other. It's about defining what your are really committing to each other.

Our mission isn't to fit your marriage into someone else's template. Instead, we help you become aware of what it takes to be properly Prepared for Marriage, and help you envision, design, and build the exact partnership you've always dreamed of. We want to help you become the architects of your lives, by providing the tools you need to create a life that's authentically yours.

Let us be your guide on this incredible journey towards happiness.

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